Yes. After many years of painful suffering I’ve made it. The great 30’s shines like a deer in headlights. Not really sure how I made it there yet. Of why do I have so many mixed feelings about it. Still the number of 3 decades of Kay memories in this world seems a LOT and too little all at the same time.
I guess my terror all these years has been aging, leaving the 20’s , the gray hair that starts taking over the browns, that crowned your head for so many years. Another fear was being too old for my kids, and not old enough for people to respect my opinions and take me seriously. How many times have I heard ” You don’t know enough about it, You are not old enough... “, “Come on Kay you are in your 20’s how would you know that?”
So here I’m , on the verge of what many call the tip of the iceberg, when it comes to female womanhood. Hum. The Tip, Really? I thought It was the 40’s?
Anyways I decided to look backwards instead of forward. Not because of age... Of course NOT...*giggle* But because of the reasons behind me being able to reach the 30’s. These reasons are people... Peeps that are responsible for me to be turning 3 decades in one piece... (well almost one piece)
Family of course does the trick. But we don't pick our families. We pick to stick with them of course. But families are the bomb no mater how F-tup they are or how crazy yours is compared to others... Believe me mine is nuts. But it's my own. I thank you today. Kay Crazies... you know who you are. I appreciate you for still loving me even when I decided to move to the other side of the continent. Spanish will always be my first language and Argentina my first love. And to my adopted family the "Frasers". Thank you for always making me feel home so far away. For being there when things get thought, for helping us raise two of the best little girls this world is ever going to see. My talented daughters. =) Yes my kids are that awesome. The highlight of my gray hairs... Those 2 little girls, make me smile wider every day from ear to ear. Sometimes I consider they have a dark talent, I'm unaware of. They actually make everybody smile from ear to ear. There must be something hidden. A secret to their madness...
I was thinking this whole week. My last week on the 20's how many people talks about love as a cliché...More so love at first sigh.
To me there is such a thing as friendship at first sight. The split second in your life, were everything aligns, where the sense of acknowledgement and belonging to this complete stranger hits you like a train. To never go away. After that split second, your life will never be the same. Because you have a new friend.
Friends to me, are your chosen family, the people you personally want to be part of your life. To make it worth while. I believe my friends make this earth a better place to live in , of course, they also have molded my life in so many ways it’s hard to explain. I’ll do my best to try to explain and make justice to their doing.
Oldest friend ever (Euge Torre, 25 years ago)
We were in first grade. New catholic school... and please don’t get me started. I hated that place. I really don’t know what my mother was thinking. Not a good match for me... at all. All girl school made it more complicated. All my friends in kindergarten were of course boys and I had no clue how to deal with girls.
I walked into this classroom, my uniform, making my body itchy, feeling like a rag doll. It suck. I didn’t know anybody.The girls in class seemed to know each other. They talked and chatted and giggled while I walked in. The new girl. The little 5 year old, with fuzzy curly hair, that look like a the wind had tangle her in a nut before class... Embarrassing.
I saw Euge sitting on the other side of the classroom. Her long brown hair, curious round brown eyes. Always so pretty. She was with her friends and looked over her shoulder. We stared. Everything went silent. She smiled. I smiled back. She left her friends behind and walk to me, the weirdo in the middle of the class, she reached for my little hand, and said.
“Hi, I’m Eugenia”
“Hi, I’m Caro, I’m the new girl” I answered.
“Want to sit by me?” She asked pulling my hand.
“Sure” I answer following her.
That was it. We have been friends for the last 25 years. She knows all my crap and I know all hers. We have gone back and forth who knows how many times. Still. After 25 years I can say that not many people would ever know me the way she does. Or drive me as insane as she can. Nesquick on my school uniform after our first sleepover, will always stick out like one of the most hilarious memories of my elementary school... Not only I got chocolate milk all over, but she spitted all over my face, when the milk came out of her nose from laughing so hard at me spilling. Yes I had to shower.
Euge, I love you so much it hurts to have you far away, but you already know that. Miss you.
High-school (Victoria Torrens 13 years ago)
I lived in a Bubble. Well honestly I still do. But more so then. High school senior year. I hated myself. I was a Zero. I didn’t want any attention. I wanted people to stay away. Because it hurt too much to have them close. To get hurt again.
My favorite time at school was volley ball. Because I felt I belong to something for at least 2 hours a week.
Still when I made the team... I didn’t have a partner...the communicating part of the sport wasn’t my forte.
Vicka came over quietly with her long blondish hair and her big brown eyes, shy as I was.“Got anybody to practice with?. Want to pair up?” She asked. That was it. Connection.
After that semester. We were inseparable. Every weekend my house or hers. Dated guys that were friends. (Come on, girls have to stick together right?) Still She’ll always be my “PATO”. And yes she still makes that pouty face for me when I go back to Buenos Aires. I still call her “PATO FEO” and we reminisce about our MADONNA Choreographies that kept us going for hours... Poor Julia her mom.
Vicka, you are the highlight of my darkest times, I love you for always giving me hope... Always showing me there is a better way.
After Graduation. (Roxana 13 years ago)
You know when you’ve been your whole life terrified to Fly? Scare that if you spread your wings people might think they are too big and colorful for their taste and shut you down? I was really skittish about that. Vicka had other groups of friends to hang with. And me well I was alone when she wasn’t around. Right before we graduated, I got to meet Roxi’s. Her and I had never been close at school, still I admired her for being such an amazing free spirit. Always glad, smiling, making jokes, open to others, never caring. She was everything I wasn’t. One day we were out partying and ended up together hanging out. Next thing I know , she called me to spend the night. Next thing I know. I’m calling her 4 times a day.
“How do you do it?” I asked her one day. “Giving a crap about what people say.”
“Honey, I care” She said sincere “Just not enough to let them get to me, I care more about what I think” She said on the phone.
That made my teen life experience worth every second of it. She taught me not to be afraid of who I’m underneath, that the only approval I need is my own... To close your ears to things that not worth it, or people that only want to hurt you. Because what goes around, comes around... It really does.
Roxy, you change the world I live in, I love you for opening my eyes and see myself for the first time in my life.
Migrating to College (John Fraser, 10 years ago)
I felt it was time for a change. I always had dreams of leaving Buenos Aires. Always feeling I didn’t fit in. I wasn’t part of the “Argentinean Norm”. Not pretty enough, too creative, not ballsy enough. My mouth always too sharp for some people. Plus I wanted a career with no kids. Just plain old weird.
I was doing research online. Looking into schools that would be easy to go to in an exchange program Pronto. I had a part time job while I was in college, as a designer for an internet site. I was 19. My parents were having a hard time “communicating” to each other, so my weekends were spent at Vicka’s house or Roxi when It came to down to it.
I decided on leaving. My parents agreed to pay for my housing if I paid for my tickets. I said Hell YES. It definitely was what I wanted. So I started re-searching. Put a list of school together and got in touch with people going to those schools through ICQ. (I know old school right?) Work gave me a free internet connection from home. Which it was sweet. Plus I was connected at work 24/7 because that was the way departments talked to one another. The editors would send me messages of what needed to go live and I would make the live page and push it. Yes, I was a precautions girl that turned an internship into a full time after 6 month.
John and I clicked with mere words. We wrote e-mials to each other. My English was pretty decadent...I’m guessing he thought it was cute. .. I thought I was lame, of course. Everyday we talked about life. Small talk. Then got into more personal stuff...Our friends, people we were dating... Until.... it didn’t mattered anymore. Then I started to feel jealous of his dates.... Which made me all worked up and insecure. What the hell!!! I mean serious kid, what the hell are you doing? He lives in the other side of the continent.
Two month later, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. It was just words right? How can the way someone writes to you.... Mean so much? His words made me want to take an plane, and leave everything behind. Risky right? No, Insane.
I got a scholarship at UND, the school he was going to. Yes it was a long shot. No, it was not the best option for me. ( But hey... I was not being rational.. I get it... And let’s not forget it was winter... -50 degrees...Still. I Went.)
I got into the airplane, freaking out. I was terrified. What if this dude is crazy, what if he didn’t pick me up from the airport or something. We were friends. But that’s about it.
I remember grabbing my luggage saying. Please be there , please be there. What if he is a psycho. What if he hates my guts. Most of all...what if he is no cute at all???
Of course we were friends and all but my heart skipped every time I had a message on my answering machine from my all American boy saying “Hey baby girl, thinking about you... Call me when you can...” Yes, we were calling each other long distance sporadically... And my phone bill... Well I think my parents might still be paying for it...
So, an hour after I landed, I was at the food court of the Minneapolis Airport with my bag, reading, something I’ve wrote on the airplane. Poetry....something so bad and unrhymed that I decided to turn into a drawing....I couldn’t sleep, eat or think because, I was so anxious.
I looked up, and saw him walking towards me wearing a big leather jacket. His bright blue eyes and spiky blond hair, made my hands sweat. His frame so big, I wanted to get lost in him. I blushed. Slow down kiddo. I looked down scared he wouldn't recognize me and walk right pass me.
Then I heard the voice I knew so well say “Kay? Is that you?” I looked up. He was smiling so big. My breath caught. Then I knew. This was just the beginning. We hugged like we knew each other from another life. We walked to the car in silence, we didn’t know what to say.. After almost a year of talking every day.. We didn’t know what was next. We tried doing small talk.
He held the wheel one handed. Every 5 seconds, I would caught him staring. I would giggle, and he would say.
“I can’t believe you are really here...”
“Get use to it” I said every single time. I guess he wanted to impress me, so he took me right to the mall of America. He opened my door, and held his hand for me to get out. I held on to it tighter, scared everything was going to disappear and I would wake up alone in my bedroom at home in Buenos Aires. I grabbed his other hand and made him stop in the middle of the MOA parking lot. I think I asked something stupid like...
“Are you going to kiss me or what?”
He nodded. And he kissed. Kissed me like life depended on it. I think my legs were shaking and my hands ended up someplace in his hair while I stood up in my tippy toes. Of course, after that I also knew something else. My single life was over. This was the life I wanted for me. The way I wanted to feel for the rest of my days. In love. Secure. Amazed. Moved. Connected. Beautiful.
John Bear, thank you for being my best friend. I love you with all my heart and after almost 10 years of marriage, I can say that was the “ah ha” Moment of my Life.
Nanny Much? (Euge Pitufa Torrens ,11 Years ago)
She was my best friends sister. She needed a place to stay in the states for a couple months. I needed a nanny. I always thought she was SUPER COOL. Well because she is of course. She says so all the time. We are both June children... so when we fight the world goes into chaos. NO SHIT. Imagine my house. My older daughter still believes she is dating Justin Timberlake, and she could sing Cry me a River, before she could crawl.
One night we came out with this concept of ...
"Sueño con momentos" Yes, I said it with my cheap soup opera voice, that made her cry of laughter...
Euge helped believe in my talent for design enough not to quit college, when I was exhausted... When I was ready to quit ... when i thought my part time gig, the baby, and home, was too much. She stayed up with me, for hours when i had finals keeping me company... And as she call it, "She taught me to be fashionable." (whatever helps you sleep at night sweep pea)
Pitufa gruñona... You are the example of family that I've chosen. Love you long time. Let's do it all over again, want to move up?
College US. (Jess Kroyer, 8 years ago)
I was exhausted. We were in illustration class with John Thomas. Yes the name says is all... Boring. He talked to much, we did too little. Still I was there to learn. John and I were married already, and had a 1 year old daughter Victoria. I was different from most kids at school. I was there because I really really wanted it. Even though it made no sense, I had a kid... And everybody was thinking that I was crazy for attempting to finishing school before John did. We didn’t care. I needed to prove them wrong. I needed to finish even if I didn’t sleep at night for 2 years. It didn’t matter.
I was in class trying not to fall asleep. I look over next to me and see this girl, staring right at me. I give her a face saying, what are you looking at. She stared some more, unafraid of my bad ass stare. (Yeah I’m not scary, even when I try really hard.) She actually looked pretty bad ass, herself. Blue bandana in her hair, 10 piercings on her ear, her pen hitting the desk annoyed.
I looked at her again and rolled my eyes at John Thomas, standing up front. She nodded . Like saying . “I know... Kill me now”
I grabbed a piece of paper, and wrote. “God can this be over now?”
“You read my mind” She wrote back.
John Thomas said.” Get into pairs, get this project started”
“Got anybody to work with?” I asked turning to her.
“Nop, I’m Jess”
“Kay... Nice to meet you” I said waving her off.
That was it. We were our own click. Jess was my first real american, true friend in this country after John of course.
We’ve been BFF’s for 7 and half years. She knows all my kirks... We travel together to the moon and back. She feeds my imagination, makes me fly when I felt my wings got clipped and I shouldn’t try any longer. She held me up when I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry myself to bed.
She is the reason I made it through the hardest moments in my life in the last 3 years. She kept me sane, centered, loved, and engaged with life, when all I wanted was to quit. Instead of letting me get away, she took me away with her.
When I decided to write she said "Why the hell not" and she is the one that read things first hand, and tell me.. "Uhm... Where the hell did his shirt go? I don't get how he made it from point A to B... " Or she gets to laugh until she cryes when I write hilarious stuff with my english as a second languange disability. =) Well we both cry once she explains to me what the hell she is laughing at. She knows me through and through... With my bad ass attitude, my dirty jokes, and spanglish sayings.
Jessy, you are the brightest light that’s ever touched my soul. Please don’t ever take that away from me. I don’t know what I’ve become without you.
College Partner in Crime (Amy Dusek, 6 and a half years ago)
I've been in school for 2 years. We were in an extreme design class together. She looked like the stereotipycall designer. Everything about her was cute. So cute it made me want to give her a hug. Plus she was freaking brilliant. Color was her language, and type only accented whatever she did.
She is one of the most talented people I've ever met. Design runs in her blood, she blinks and constructs. Creates. Builds. Amazing stuff.
Anyways I had the pleasure to work with her at school in a project, that turned out to be amazing.
Amy and I were two peas in a pod, creating, pushing each other. We went for coffee breaks and talked design like no one's business.
She was my inspiration, and we would push each other harder. Make our contributions grandiose and hopefully someday make this world a more beautiful place to live in. I still secretly hope someday we get to work together, because i know what it could be like. Because people like that are one in a 1000. Aims how Can I convince you to apply at Stone Arch? Pretty please?
Work Life (Beth Bracken aka Brezenoff, 5 years ago)
Have you ever meet your nemesis? Mine had a name. Beth. I had been in publishing for a year. I was really new, and the first designer in our little imprint. Stone Arch Books. My daughter Victoria was 3.
Beth, was the new hired editor, from New York. I was like OMG, this girl is going to be such a snob. Look at that, her fiancée sent her flowers before she even started to work here. WTF? Serious? Those New Yorkers..
Then we met. Sometimes the connection with another person is so intense, it makes you feel completely insecure, until you figure it out. I thought she hated me. Actually I thought she was going to be the death of me. Both of us so complicated, so emotional.... You can imagine. Was like throwing two cats in a box and let them settle things out.... You might hear them scream for a while... But then... It was silent.
We clicked and realized our problem. I was the peanut butter without the jelly, and SHE was my JELLY. Together at work, we make the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich you’ve ever eaten... Serious. We complement so well sometimes, people dumps projects that are impossible, ridiculous and ambiguous. Still we stick out for each other to keep a grip, keep us floating, engaged.
She is my writing mentor. I quit my job at Stone Arch for 10 months, and went to NBC. I was miserable. Unhappy. Bored... Unchallenged. Beth always kept me going. I became a read-aholic. Our daily emails were.
“What are you reading now?” She wrote.
“City of Ashes” I answered
“So?”
“I love the storyline, love the characters, but why girls have to be so whiny and skittish?”
“Hum... don't know...Why don’t you write your own story if it bugs you so much” She asked me.
“Umm I don’t know... ‘Cause I don’t know how?”
“I would give it a try Kay. Serious. Just start with a list of things about your main character you might want to know... Kind of like you do in facebook a 25 things about you...kind of deal...”
There is my YODA, my Jelly, the voice of knowledge. Always knowing exactly what to say to push me forward... Make me try something different. Something new. Adventurous.
“Kay you love words, what harm can you do trying?”
If you want to guilt someone of my obsessive disorder for writing. It’s all Beth’s fault. She encouraged me when I didn’t believe it possible. When I thought I was never going to be good enough. When quitting felt like the right choice... She had faith in me when I had none. I struggled to finished it. Beth said...I’ll let you know when you are done... A day later she got teary with the last 10 pages I had written, I thought my first novel was actually completed.
She looked at me with those inquisitive blueish green eyes and that smiled that makes you feel like you are worth a million bucks.
“That was the ending!!” She said.
My heart felt sore I was so happy, not because I finished it, but because I made her proud...
For knowing that the hope and effort she had invested on me, was worth something... Plus it proved her right... Which....Most of the time she is... But please don’t tell her I said that.
She took the time and ate up every single one of the pages I wrote... I’m sure they must have hurt her eyes, and her right hand was having a hard time staying away from grabbing a RED PEN and write all over it with edits. Still she said she was reading it for pleasure.
Pleasure. She thought reading what I wrote was pleasurable. When you are a little no one, wanna be writer like me, that struggles writting on her second language, that is the biggest compliment anybody can ever give you.
She also said not too long ago “Kay you are such an inspiration...”
Beth let me tell you something..
YOU ARE MY INSPIRATION. You are the person that introduced me to doing what I love the most. Connect with words. Connect with Life. I wouldn't have found it without you holding my hand every step of the way.... I have no words to thank you, and explain what you’ve done for my life. what you’ve done to the Kay I used to know before writing.
THANK YOU. We are synergy on wheels. But you’ve already known that for a long, long time. I Love you with all my words. (160,000 of them.)
Good Neighbors (Corissa Nolen, 3 years ago)
We moved to a new house in the outskirts of town. The west south side. A year later We got new neighbors across the street. That’s how I meet Corissa and Cameron.
Core-face and I stared at each other from across the street in many occasions. Speculating what young people like us were doing in the neighborhood... We are the youngest in here... Everybody else is 40 +. Yes say it...I was 26 when we moved into this old folks home. =) Whatevet We love it. We are old.
There was something about her... Deep inside I was so curious... Wanted to know more. Our kids became BFF’s. Serious BFF. Victoria is 8 and Carlee is 6. Core face adopted me like her younger sister. Now in her family I'm the kid btw her and Katie. She is my motherly figure that is there 24/7. She cooks for me, keeps me company when the hubbs is gone on business... and to top it off reads every page I write.
She was my first reader ever. Well after Beth and Jess of course.
She is the person that called my cell at 11:45 after finishing the last page of the novel.
"Shit Kay... OH MY GOSH... This is it!"
When in actuallity what should have been said was...
"Oh My Gosh Corey, you are it!" She is possitively the sweetest person I've even met. Because she is good to the core, the irony to of her name right? She loves so much, she is the kind of person that gives warmth with her smile, makes you feel pleased and happy, when she is around. You will always feel accepted, and will always be loved.
Core face, loving life is the biggest gift anybody can offer. You got it girl... You are that special. Never ever forget that. I love you.
Writing Conference (Sylvia Fisher, 2 month ago)
So I decided to go to my first writing event. I was terrified. Not only because I felt it was a HUGE step, but because I didn't know what to expect. I walked in to discover, I was the most scary person in there. I was wearing neon green, shirt my chucks that matched the shirt, my hair down, and my rubber flower was on my hair.
I sat on query class... Feeling weird. Everybody else looked like my mother. I started doubting myself. Wonder if I should really be there, until someone rush in 1 minute late.
"Sorry do you mind if I sit next to you?" She asked.
I looked up. We looked identical. I mean I'm not kidding. Same hair cut trimmed tight around our face, dark hair. She had a bright red shirt, and a necklace with a "R" hanging on her neck. (Roxanne, of course) Now I know.
"No, go ahead" I said letting her walk in and sat next to me.
We listened a took notes. Staring at each other from time to time. There is no coincidences in life. I do believe in destiny. The teacher asked us to pair out, and talked about our stories.
"Hi, I'm Carolina " I said introducing myself "I guess we'll be working together, everybody calls me Kay though"
"Hi, I'm Sylvia... Nice to meet you Carolina" She said, pronouncing my name right the first time she tried. Heaven. I go by K because nobody can pronounce my name right in this country. She did without any effort.
We both stared in Silence. A silence that expanded. Is like we knew what was coming next...
"Hi" we said again in unison. Since that day... We've been Embryo Twins. I've meet my match. We are both mix kids. I'm half Spanish, half irish, Sylvia is half Filipino. I thought I was loud. Uhm you haven't met Sylvia. I thought my brain was wicked weird... We are both heading the race head on.
Yet our writing styles are opposites. We compliment each other in so many ways... Her writing strong, ornee, descriptive, twisted, snappy and smart. Mine, rough, harsh, emotional, sick, intriguing, impatient. Perfect mesh. Who knows what we can do together someday. I believe in her talent so badly , I think she needs a book deal right now. She knows I'm not in it for getting published but to the get the story the right way... She believes I'm too skittish about my writing, and to hard on myself... She became my copy editor after reading the Prologue.
She is one of those people that I wonder how could I gone almost 30 years without in my life. I have no answer to that. I just know I want to keep us this way until the end of time.
Sylvia, you inspire the uninspired.. you could wake the dead, and make mice march after you if you put you mind to it. Whatever that is. I'll be right next to you, every step of the way. Love you short time, but this is just our beginning... and we both know that.
For those who made it this far... woot!
I know this post is extremely long, and most of you will not make it all the way to the bottom. Still I wanted to tell you how thankful I'm for having you in my life. If it's any consolation... When You lay awake at night wondering what the hell am I doing here? ...You are changing the world. You had made my life that much more amazing and I'll always be thankful for blessing me with your friendship.
Happy 30th Bday me. Cheers,
Kay