Today was one of the those days, when you watch one of those movies, that made your eyes open in the bright light. It was a lame movie, about friendship, about childhood,about growing up, changing evolving. So I finished the movie, with both my daughters sitting on each side of me. My eyes, tearing up. I looked at them my beautiful girls, and thought. "Dang, they are my kids, and they are so wonderful, I'm so lucky to have them" I looked right next to me on the couch to my boy. Gorgeous as the first time I saw him 11 years ago. I stared and told him "You are cute" He raised his brow, wondering what else was in my mind...
The girls hugged me tight. I felt it was story time, I said, “You know, right after this movie came out I had the lamest idea ever”
"What's that mom?" Vic asked.
“I liked the actress hair, so I went ahead cut my hair and dyed it blonde."
"No way..." my oldest daughter said.
"Yes way, it was awful, you don't want to see that ever, it was all wrong" I said making sure she understood how bad it was. Because believe me, it was that bad, you NEVER would enjoy me as a blonde.
"Mom, serious, there is no way you have ever been blonde"
"Here, check it out" I went to our huge family bookshelf, looked for my ancient photo album. Yes, I have photo albums, that says how old I'm. "Here, this is me, check my hair" I told her.
"OH my gosh mom, you were blonde"
"Told you"
"You look awful"
"I know, I told you... I did"
Lulu said, my little one” Mommy you look beautiful"
"I look like a boy... it's ridiculous....Not sure what was I thinking... wait, I wasn't " I said laughing hysterically.
"Not like a boy ma, just not like you..." Vic says laughing with me.
"Momma don't say that, you didn't look like a boy, you looked beautiful, you always do" My almost 4 year old said. I thought I was gonna melt in the couch.
We looked at the rest of the pictures, I was 17 in my blonde pic from hell, but It didn't matter, we looked at the album, full of all pictures that were old, now at I'm 31 years of age.
"Here is my godmother she looks tiny like 14?" Victoria said "Isn't this Tommy's mom was she 12 here?" She asked. We looked and looked, until I i felt something mushy bloom from my fingertips holding the album, all the way deep into my heart.
We laughed and smiled until we were done, I put the pictures away and kissed my daughters good night.
The thought run threw me again. These were my daughters, the family JB and I made for ourself. These were our kids, my beautiful little girls.
Yesterday JB and I were talking about Time, as a perception, as a human way to capture moments, to be able to measure. We actually discussed the 5th dimension. Yes, we are huge dorks. We talked lame theories, this one took me 2 tries to understand it. But he said to me, “what if time as we know it is our way to make sense of things, our way to put order to chaos, when in actuality it might all have happened at once. what for us might be years, for some other life form, might be seconds”
And as I kissed my daughters good night, I had an epiphany about our conversation last night.
I felt like my child-self, soft, loving, and shy, yet I was kissing my kids goodnight. They were there, as real as my skin brushing their soft foreheads. I whispered to both of them. “I’m so lucky to have you, So lucky to be your mom”
They are the best parts of me, and the best parts of JB.
I walked to my room in silence and cried. Cried of happiness. I realized, what life was all about. I felt fulfilled, I realized how punches in life, just make you evolve, and make you better at one thing, and one thing only. That one thing that is worth more than anything. Worth every heartache, every gap in the ground that opens right under your feet .
You learn with the years to love. To love with so much passion, it hurts in your bones, it presses your chest, making it hard to breath. With love you would never feel incomplete. I understand now that when you can apply that love, passion and drive to everything that makes you YOU anything is possible. Then life becomes a full circle. Love your family, like it’s your last day everyday, because it might be, love what you do for living, otherwise, why do it. Yes, jobs are jobs, and they are not who you are, but if you can find the job that brings love into your craft, why not? Why not pursuing love, in all the instances, of your life. Your friends, the ones that would hold you from jumping the bridge, because you know, you love them so much, you wouldn’t want to leave them behind. Those are the relationship that make your heart grow bigger, wiser, the kind of Love, that shapes your life forever.
We hide from it, we try to avoid it, we try to stay away, because deception hurts so badly ,because we are terrified to feel, we bring barriers up, grow, make mistakes, sometimes become cold and distant. But what is life without it? what is life without feeling? what is life without love?
Is it crazy to think that this, right now is my heaven? That I have so much love my paradise is here, right now? Have you ever thought about that?
I did today and I fetl the luckiest girl in town.